Thursday, December 16, 2010

Hi, I'm a carrot, and an expert.

I should be studying for one of the finals I have, but that's why I figured I'd update this.  I guess I watch the History Channel a lot, because we don't really have many channels in this building.

Seriously though, has anyone ever seen Giorgio A. Tsoukalos?  I swear, every time they put him in something he looks more ridiculous than before.  Instead of trying to explain, I'll take the lazy way out and show pictures.

Here's a relatively normal looking picture of him from his website:


Then I guess he stopped washing his hair:



Then I guess he started spray tanning himself:


Then... umm... he turned into a carrot:


Seriously, I think he must be doing it on purpose just to mess with people.  Either that, or he really is becoming a carrot.  Maybe it's some weird fetish.  He probably buries himself in the back yard at night.  What a sick man.  He should be ashamed of his carrot fetish.

Saturday, November 13, 2010

Shut Up, Mop Head Kid.

Anyone who watches too much TV has seen the recent Toyota Highlander commercials with this ugly kid basically saying he hates his parents for being poor.



In a perfect world, this commercial would just be Christopher Lambert running up to this kid, cutting off his head, yelling "THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE!" and then a flash of the car's name. Of course, we don't live in a perfect world, so we get several commercials of this talking mop complaining about the car his parents drive. Kid, be glad you have a bed to sleep in. If I were your parent, I'd have you sleeping on top of a pile of dead raccoons in the back yard.

The parents should really just tell him to walk to school. Better yet, make him carry them around in a rickshaw. I mean seriously, the kid makes it sound like he wants to have sex with the car. If your kid complains about the type of car you drive, you really should tell them to get a job and buy you a new one. Or just tell them "you're not getting anything for your birthday ever again, I had to buy a new car to shut you up."

If these kids want to be mad at their parents for something, they should be mad at them for making them so ugly. I mean, look at these kids:




Casting directors hit the jackpot on the hideous kids with gross hair. Was that Toyota's aim?

If they were smart, they'd start marketing the alternative fuel source I mentioned earlier = ugly child powered rickshaw. It's sad that I can't cash in on the market, but quite frankly I hate children too much to even try.

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Comics - Robot Dino Hunter X

Okay, so I haven't posted anything in almost two months.  I have two good excuses though:
1. I've been busy all summer.
2. I've been lazy.

Anyway, I've always said how I'm too lazy to start an actual webcomic instead of randomly posting crap on here all the time and how there's too many terrible ones out there already so I shouldn't just add to the pile of horrible comics and this is a run-on sentence but I don't really care so I'm just going to continue it for a few more words until right now.

Long story short, my friend Anthony and I were talking about my DJ Fartbot song Robot Dino Hunter X and he told me I should make it a comic.  So I started a comic - Robot Dino Hunter X.  Basically it's a story about a dinosaur hunter who is a robot.

This is different from most of my comics, since there's supposed to be some sort of story to it.  It's not like when I just make a comic criticizing all other internet comics like this one:


And it's not like these two comics I made in between classes when I was in community college that criticize the way people talk on the internet with stupid jokes:
And it won't be much like my avoiding-doing-any-actual-work doodles like this one:

But it should be entertaining.  I mean, at least if you like guys who are robots named Robot Dino Hunter X that hunt dinosaurs.  I don't know about you, but I sure do.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

More reasons why my grades in high school were terrible

Okay so I'll admit it.  I've been too lazy to make up actual new things for a while.  I do have a lot of crap backed up in my old archive that I've never posted on here before though.  A good amount of it is garbage, but there's also a fair amount of some post-worthy stuff.

There's probably a few good reasons that when I applied to colleges back in high school, none of them accepted me other than community college.  The best reason for that is probably that other than ever doing my work, I'd work on something that seemed more fun to work on.  I mean, don't get me wrong, I still do that... just not to the extent that I did back in high school.  I used to turn these things in for credit too.  Sometimes I'd get in trouble, but some teachers would just look the other way/not pay attention and give me full credit.  Like the haiku I wrote for class and later made into a song:

Napalm factory
All the children scream "hooray!"
None of them survive.

I still think it's the best haiku ever written.  But I mean, I wrote it, so it has to be.

I used to get bored in my 2D Art class in high school and just cut pictures out of magazines to make collages or just random crap with them.  I think the best one was the one I actually turned in:

I mean, there's a kid riding a shark that's eating TV that a man is sitting on top of.  Can't get much better than that.

This next one wasn't something I turned in, but it was something I showed pretty much anyone with eyes after making it:

Do I know who either of these people are?  No.  Do I really care? Of course not.

This last one has pretty much nothing to do with the other images, but I've never posted it on here before. It's a comic I made in study hall my freshman year of high school about Pac-Man:

Most of it is blurry and wrinkled because I had it in one of my binders the entire year and it just kind of smeared everything.  Well, that and I'm not skilled in any way with a pencil.

Well, I've run out of things I want to post in this for now.  Next time I might post my photography from the black and white photo class I took when I was in community college.  I have a ton of it.  I mean, it's not like any of it's funny or anything, I just want to post it.

Monday, May 3, 2010

Formspring is incredibly boring

But that could be because I'm not:
1. Famous
2. A woman
3. Interesting

But of course, number three is not true.  I'm obviously so interesting that it's just impossible for people to know where to start asking questions.  So far, almost all of my questions have been from two of my friends.  So... if you have any questions about me that you've been dying to know the answer to, I made one of these a while ago (and don't really know why I thought it'd be a good idea) and hardly ever see new questions come up on it.


Anyway, I have a test...technically today, so I should probably go to bed.  I only have two more weeks left of class, which means I'm at the point where I'm getting all worried about turning things in but not actually working on anything.  That way I can rush it all last minute and get zero hours of sleep before it's due.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Omegle chat logs I forgot about and will now share

I made the one post a few months ago of some of my favorites, but there's still a lot more I have saved somewhere.  I found a few that I'm surprised I didn't post before, and now I will.  If it wasn't obvious that I have mental problems before, well now's your chance to find that out.

This one, I actually talked to this person for a while, then my browser crashed and I was sad I couldn't continue watching TV with them:
You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: hi .
You: THERE'S TIGERS ON NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC
Stranger: wtf ?
You: that doesn't get you excited?
Stranger: yes it does . im watchinq it right now tho .
You: good
You: that tiger is gonna hunt those deer good
Stranger: yeah i know . so you like animals ?
You: not like furries do
You: I just like seeing them kill things
Stranger: yeah me too .
You: oh man did you see that bird on that deer
Stranger: yeah .
You: oh this is cool it's like we're hanging out

I tried this one for a while, usually people disconnected:

You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: hi.
You: Let's play swords
Stranger: what??
You: I'm Rick Sprinter
You: Geologist
You: from Denver
Stranger: how old r u?
You: 27
Stranger: 23,m,china.
You: NICE
You: let's play swords
Stranger: how?
You: WHACK
Stranger: ?i can not understand.
You: THWACK
You: oh I hit you good!
Your conversational partner has disconnected.


This one goes on for a while, but I like how I started and ended it.
You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: hey!
You: you aren't asian are you?
Stranger: please help
Stranger: no
You: good
You: what do you need
Stranger: phew
Stranger: just a little help is all
Stranger: please just tell me what you think of the way i look
You: not this again
Stranger: i know that sounds weird but i have been getting weird comments and i dont know if its real or joking
Stranger: please?
You: I don't follow links
Stranger: im serious
You: I'm not Princess Zelda
Stranger: its tinypic
Stranger: not a virus
Stranger: its tinypic...seriously
Stranger: i swear on my life
Stranger: i am just getting down to the bottom on my self esteem
Stranger: plz
You: sure
You: I probably won't click it
You: but I'll give you my honest criticism
Stranger: ok
Stranger: you wont be able to see it unless you click it
Stranger: but you can see the link
You: I'm actually Hitler
You: I dunno
Stranger: http://tinypic.com/r/adzq5v/6
Stranger: here it is
Stranger: you can look at tiny pic and see its legit
Stranger: all i want is honest criticism
You: you aren't naked in it are you?
Stranger: like how i should clean myself up or how i would look more attractive to people or what
Stranger: god no
Stranger: its just my face
You: are you a woman or man
Stranger: dont be too mean
Stranger: i just havent gotten a lot of honesty
Stranger: just look at the pic
Stranger: tell me what i look like it guess, if it isnt obvious, which i should hope it is
You: I think you need a new camera
You: and not be so close to it
Stranger: why?
You: my friend here tells me you're Lori Cox
Stranger: its just a straight pic of my face
Stranger: who's lori cox
You: how the fuck you should I know
Stranger: ?
You: I dunno
You: you kinda look like this girl I went to high school with
You: but she really liked cats, so I don't think it'd compare too well
Stranger: just please help
Stranger: tell me what you think
Stranger: stop beating around the bush
Stranger: give it to me straight
Stranger: i need to hear it
Stranger: the truth
You: I dunno
You: you look fine to me
Stranger: wow thanks
Stranger: :)
Stranger: sexy at all?
You: how old are you?
Stranger: 19
You: okay
You: sure
Stranger: you dont sound too FUCKING confident
Stranger: id like to get a guy
Stranger: a guy to FUCK
Stranger: and it just isnt WORKING
Stranger: so i cant be sexy
Stranger: tell me the truth!!!!!!!!!
Stranger: plz
You: lady I'm tired and I'm working on a 10 page paper for monday, I'm not enthusiastic about anything righ tnow
Stranger: THEN WHY ARE YOU ON OMEGLE
Stranger: YOU FUCK
You: because I can't concentrate
Stranger: YOU FAT FUCK
You: don't get mean with me lady
You: actually I'm quite skinny
Stranger: dont ever try to contract me again
Stranger: you fat fuck
You: how would I?
Stranger: im sure you have ways
You: I can't "contract" you anyway
Stranger: i mean CONTACT
You: I'm sure you'll contract something from fucking too many guys
Stranger: DUH
You: HAHAHHAHA
You: HAHAHAHHA
You: I'm funny.
You: bye.
You have disconnected.

I have more old stuff I've been thinking about reposting on here that I used to have on other websites.  I don't know if I actually will.  Maybe.  I have about a month left of classes, so I have a lot of work to do before the semester ends that I've been putting off.  What that means is that I'm going to pretend that I won't have enough time to post here for a while, but in reality I'll probably post stuff here to procrastinate doing real work.  That's actually what I'm doing right now, I probably should have gone to bed at least an hour ago.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Altered Advertisements

Since there's a sausage outside my apartment door:
I figured it was about time to write a new blog.

 I've had interesting things happen so far this semester.  There's the interesting things, like the guy giving me a sheet of paper on my way to the subway then telling me "it's to read, not to keep!"  Then there's the disgusting things... like when I cleaned out my shower and sink drains for what appeared to be the first time they've ever been cleaned:
...that's like 3 pounds worth of hair that I got out of the drain with a notebook spiral.
My mom asked "why didn't you have maintenance come and do it?" to which I had to respond "because I'm a man."

My life isn't all that interesting though, so that's about all of the pictures on my phone that I've taken within the last two months.  Now onto what I actually started writing this for... 

A couple years ago I started online survey email things, then started to notice how horrible the stock images they use for their ads were.  So, I felt the need to improve these advertisements by altering them and adding my own text to them.  I've had them up on my deviantArt page for a while, but I figured I'd post them here on account of deviantArt likes to delete things.

The first one I ever altered I apparently didn't notice the typo I made until a friend brought it to my attention several months later.  So this isn't the original one, but the one where I fixed my typo.  I can't remember what it was originally advertising, but hey... I don't really care that much either.  So here it is:
I feel I made it much more effective.

This one actually wasn't from emails, but it is pretty old.  Remember that clicking it will only lead to the image, not to what is being advertised in my alteration:
 

 I can't really remember the order I actually did most of these in, but at some point they stopped being as fun to edit so I just gave up.  This next one is still my favorite:


 This one is yet another one I improved the message for:
 

This next one has a very important message, and apparently was made around Christmas time:

Obviously I've never really cared about who I'm offending.  Let's face it, I usually only care about my own opinion anyway.  Almost all of these are pretty much proof of that.  The rest of these I'm pretty sure were my last ones, this one was obviously some advertisement for school supplies or something stupid like that:

And these last three, I honestly can't remember what they were trying to sell:



But I obviously made them better, right?

Friday, March 5, 2010

Time Well Spent = Time Wasted

I was looking back at some old comics I made in middle school and never did anything with the other day, which got me to thinking that I should post them on here. It probably seems like most of my posts anymore are things from when I was younger, I guess maybe I'm just not funny anymore and rely on things I've already done. That can't be true though, because obviously I'm great.

I've never really put any thought into making a webcomic that posts daily, weekly, etc. because quite frankly I only make comics when I:
A. Feel like it
or
B. Am so bored that I just start drawing things.

Since these days I have too many classes that I actually have to pay attention in (although I still zone out constantly), I don't really draw very many of the poorly drawn scribblings that I call comics. The closest thing I've done like that lately is when I didn't know DVE stood for Digital Video Effects on a test, so I wrote "Digital Video... Elephant" and needless to say, I got it wrong. Surprisingly those sort of things only got me in trouble until I graduated high school... now all that ever happens is I just lose points or gain points for entertaining the teacher. I'm not as creative with it lately... too tired and too lazy.

Anyway, back to what's important, the terrible drawings. When I was in seventh and eighth grade, I would spend almost all of my class time and study hall time drawing really stupid comics (a lot of which I lost forever or gave to people). I think in sixth grade I was on honor roll, then it was all downhill from there. I personally blame puberty, because video games and television hadn't seemed to effect me nearly as badly before it. Most of the elements of these comics have been consistent throughout the years. People being hit by things, things being eaten by other things, horrible handwriting, stick figures... The only things I haven't really put in my comics since then are people eating liver transplants/drinking urine samples and people saying "I'll call in the morning."


Also:

...and also:


For the most part, every comic I've ever drawn has been pointless and stupid. This one is no exception:


Of course, I also found some old notes from a science class video:


And lastly, some more of my all time finest artwork:


Well that's about it for now. I'm getting tired and lazy, but I have hundreds more of these things somewhere, so maybe if I get ever bored enough to look through them again I could post more.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

The Greatest Story Ever Written... in Middle School.

So I was scouring the internet trying to find this page I made in AOL Hometown or something back when I was like 13, and apparently AOL Hometown was permanently shut down like 2 years ago. Luckily for all of you, I have most of it saved to my hard drive.

Ah, middle school. Back when my grammar was terrible, my art was exactly the same, and my story telling abilities were just about the same too! Originally the page had some sort of wood paneling background and bright yellow text... because wood paneling belongs on everything. Seriously. Wood paneling belongs on everything.

Anyway, I'll attempt to recreate the greatest web page known to man. Sadly without the wood paneling, yellow text, billions of AOL ads, and whatever else crap used to be on it. Keep in mind, I didn't change a single line of text from the original. The spelling errors burn my retinas, but I doubt they'll phase most people on the internet.


THE DAY THERE WAS STUFF THAT HAPPENED BUT NO ONE PAYED ATTENTION

There was once a guy who was afraid dinosaurs would attack him, and that his armpits would light fire if he wore sleeveless t shirts



But one day, a dinosaur did attack him, right after he was done dancing



so he grew a mustashe



and as he grew this mustashe, a dinosaur tried to eat him, and tried to eat his pizza he left on the counter in his apartment



then the sun and moon collided with earth, and we all died



except this guy with the funny shirt



It was funny because it said "gay" and I was in middle school.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Russian And Soviet History "Notes"

During my Russian and Soviet History class, I took many notes. What that really means, is that I scribbled a lot on paper and can't remember a single thing my teacher talked about the entire semester. Some of my "notes" were actually about the class, but for the most part they were all drawings that had little/nothing to do with what the teacher was talking about. As many of you know by now, my style of art is comparable to a right handed person writing with their left hand, which is also broken. What I'm trying to say is, I'm by far the greatest artist of all time.

First I'll start off with an example of me actually trying to take notes. You'll have to click to enlarge the image if you want to attempt to read it.

From what I can remember, it had something to do with Stalin and Hitler... obviously. I started off taking a little bit of notes on there, but writing with two pencils at once was much more fun. I also like to spell Hitler as Heat-Lair.

Anyway, most of the time when I took notes, it usually reflected in some way the way my teacher pronounced words. Here's some more proof of that:


More often than not, I would really just get bored and make pointless comics. I think I have roughly one quarter of a page of legitimate notes... if you combine all of my notes together. One day I had two amazing movie ideas.

First:

Which I later realized is basically just meteor man. But I'm sure no one else remembers that movie by now, so....

The sequel:

I'd see it.

My three favorite comics I drew in class are all on the same page. Of course, none of them make sense, but when have I ever tried doing that before?

Best drawing I've ever made:


Best commercial I've ever made:


And best theme park I've ever made:


I don't know why, but I really enjoy drawing things that are about to run into other things:

I honestly don't remember what this was about, but a Dracula-man would be a good first guess. It would be a terrible second guess though.

So that's basically it, I only wrote in about 15 pages of my notebook. So, if you remembered my numbers from before, that means about 14.75 pages of my notes are random scribblings, comics, and uneven geometric shapes.

Saturday, January 9, 2010

Fun week of doctor check ups during break.

I spent most of this week either hanging out with people I haven't seen in a while, or going to doctors appointments since I have the chance right now. Tuesday I had a checkup, Friday I had both an optometrist and dentist appointment. My older brother drove me around all day so I wouldn't crash into a tree after they dilated my eyes. He was a pretty good sport about it, he only told me that he was hungry about 100 times.

I don't know why I thought I'd be able to make a 3:00pm dentist appointment after a "1:15pm" optometrist appointment, but luckily my dentist was cool enough to push it back half an hour. Somehow the five minutes you spend in front of a doctor requires sitting in a waiting room for about two hours. Long story short about my eyes, I have an eye infection apparently and have to go back next week for him to see if it's getting any better.

While I sat in the optometrist waiting room for about 2 hours, I read through a lot of old magazines about cars, motorcycles, and AARP. Before my vision started to blur, I noticed a pretty great ad.

Richard M. Lester really must realize how great his name is, especially while including his middle initial. I wonder how many people prank call this guy asking for Dick Molester. Hopefully more now that I posted it. It doesn't matter that the phone number is blurry/impossible to read on account of my crappy phone photography skills, use the internet if you want to find it. He has to get tons of calls already on having a sweet beard.

Richard M. Lester... Richard M-lester... Dick Molester.... awesome.

Anyway, after a whole lot of sitting in the waiting room and not being able to read letters on the chart very well (on account of my eye being infected), I got to the dentist at just about exactly 3:30. It's funny, I thought I was taking pretty good care of my teeth, but I guess I was starting to get gingivitis. So basically I thought I was going to go out and hear "oh you're healthy, get out of here!" Don't know why I expected that. Good thing I made it in when I did for my eyes though. Otherwise I dunno how I would continue to write this if I were to go blind from infection.

I feel like I'm leaving something out. Christmas happened. 2009 ended. I still pretend it's 2005. I still think like it's 1800.

I have some comics to post from my Russian and Soviet history class, once I get a chance to scan it. So until then... find something else to do (perhaps read through every other blog I've ever written or listen to some of my music).