Thursday, September 29, 2011

Extra Long Posts Make Up For An Extra Long Hiatus

I was sitting here wondering why there are Kidz Bop commercials on during Adult Swim at 2am, when I realized how long it's been since I've posted a new blog. I could come up with excuses for why I haven't posted anything in a while, or I could just write something funny. It's obviously much easier for me to go with making excuses, so that's what I think I'll do. I moved out of my "dorm-partment" on campus after the spring semester ended, lived at home for the summer and worked crap hours with crap paychecks, then moved back to the city (off campus) after my summer break ended.

What have I done lately? Well aside from spending a majority of my time on school, I've spent a lot of time watching cartoons and criticizing commercials. A couple weeks ago, I didn't leave my apartment for almost 5 days. I'd like to say it was all because I was sick, but quite honestly I kind of like seeing how long I can go without talking to anyone in person. These are the kinds of things I end up sending my friends:

"I USED TO FEEL LIKE A TOTAL FATASS EATING AN ENTIRE CAKE, NOW BAKEPOPS FORCE ME TO ONLY EAT A DOUGHNUT HOLE SIZED PIECE OF CAKE, MAKING ME INTO A RAGE FILLED HUNGRY SHE-MONSTER."

There's this Chuck E Cheese commercial that I can't stand where this wienery little blond kid is trying to... rap... or something? I honestly don't know what the hell the kid is trying to do, and I can't really find it online so you'll have to trust me on how annoying and stupid it is. Basically what I've changed the commercial to every time it comes on is "I'M A LITTLE WIENER, COME ON, CELEBRATE! I STILL POOP MY PANTS, COME ON, CELEBRATE!" My version is better.

I think I've seen this commercial for iCarly Happy Meal toys 87 million times. This little girl have a face that looks like DERRRRRRRRR:

Also, that iCarly girl will some day turn 50 and I will still have no idea what her show is even supposed to be... besides stupid looking.

I'll give a quick recap of things that have happened since I last posted. Well... at least things I've taken pictures of on my phone.


In Baltimore, apparently it's always opposite day.


John Cena/Cross-eyed Shaved Gorilla Action Figure.


If the dog does anything in my room, I yell until he runs away. If he does it in anyone else's room, I take a picture and walk out of the room. If it isn't a pile of my clothes he's laying on, it's usually funny to me.


This guy drives a Toy Taco.


Pea in the poo.


My car doesn't think that headbutting babies while driving is right. Well maybe I don't think my car is right.


Alright there isn't much behind this one, she's just a really creepy looking retail "model." She's probably absorbing someone's soul through her mouth with that creepy smile.


I never knew that Roy Rogers was a Gay Ranchero, not to mention uncut!


I bet the photographer for this was arrested shortly after developing these pictures.


I still haven't figured this one out. Is this a dog tombstone?


If you've seen this movie before, I really don't have to explain how terrible it is. That's why my best friend and I watched it and laughed the entire time while my girlfriend slept through it.


This guy is enjoying his shower way too much.


I got the rhino truck when I moved, and it was glorious.


I don't think this car has enough bird poop on it.
Seriously though, it looked way worse in person.


I saw this on my way home from class one day. The word bubble was mostly what made me laugh.




Okay, so the Roosevelt red line stop is pretty awesome.


This is the best graffiti ever. Earlier today when I passed it, I noticed that it says "I EAT FOOD I EAT FOOD I EAT FOOD" on the other side of the pole. Someone out there has won whatever award I award graffiti artists for whatever I'm talking about.


I'll leave you with this.

Until next time, my loyal followers.
...if you exist.

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Finals? Homework? Projects? Omegle.

So, apparently finals week is now a drawn out two week process designed to make you rethink wanting a college degree. I wish my finals all involved getting out of bed at 2pm, eating pizza, and playing video games. Then I'd ace them all.

Anyway, I looked at my blog today and thought to myself "boy, I haven't updated my blog since February, surely my re--
okay I'm just avoiding doing any homework or studying. So I figured the best thing to do was to go on Omegle and have stupid conversations with stupid people about stupid things. Would you like to know how it went? You don't have a say in this. Your answer is yes. Keep reading.


You: mingus
Stranger: Male lookin for female to have fun wit ;)
You: oh
You: well look no further
Stranger: Finally I get one haha
You: no I just wanted to get your hopes up
You have disconnected.

This guy doesn't like Morfs.
You: herro
Stranger: hi
Stranger: m or f
You: both
You: I'm a morf
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

I'm really glad this person didn't bring up anything about Pokemon from the last 10 years, because this conversation wouldn't have been as long. I wonder if they checked the Pewter City Gym before they went on Omegle. I'm going to stop talking now:
Stranger: brock?
You: ASH?
Stranger: MISTY?
You: PIKACHU?
Stranger: JIGGLYPUFF?
You: SQUIRTLE?
Stranger: NURSE JOY?
You: OFFICER JENNY?
Stranger: bingo!
You: you're the best person I've talked to on here
You: because you talk pokemon
Stranger: haha why thank you!
Stranger: but im searching for brock, so i gotta go!
Your conversational partner has disconnected.


Apparently I'm a "wire do" for offering a young girl some pity corn.
Stranger: Hi 14 f Cali here
You: wanna watch some pity corn?
Stranger: ?? Wiredo
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

Here's an old one I never posted:
Stranger: wait are you one fo those internet "trogs" i've heard about
You: I'm more of an internet dog
You: I like to poop on the carpet
Stranger: i think you are a trog my nephew told me that people from the internet be idio ust for the sake of and that's called troging
You: my nephew told me about candy
You: I still have yet to have it
You: it sounds delicious
Stranger: see you're being a trog
You: you're being a trog
Stranger: ehy do people act like trogs
You: you know who's really a trog though?
Stranger: who?
You: http://www.coolrom.com/screenshots/nes/Trog.gif
You: that trog
Stranger: look the games i played in my 30's have nothing to do you troggin
You: Trog has everything to do with trogging
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

That's all for now, I'm gonna go back to stressing about finals and not doing any of my work.

Not a Thorofart.

Monday, February 14, 2011

Hello, my name is product placement.

Every time I see a commercial for the movie Hall Pass, I think a few different things:
1. How much is Applebee's paying them for blatant product placement?
2. Why do people like Captain Dong Nose? (Owen Wilson)
3. Who lets Owen Wilson try to act?
4. Seriously, what's with the Applebee's extreme closeup, is this an Applebee's commercial?
5. Man, Owen Wilson loves Applebee's.

I'm just going to cover number one. Seriously, if you haven't seen the trailer for this... well you aren't really missing anything, this is it summed up in one picture:

I don't really know how relevant the restaurant is to the storyline, but apparently it's relevant enough to show them walking in and panning up to the sign.  Applebee's the movie.  Got it.

I mean, I guess I can understand why they did it. The movie itself looks like a turd, so I guess they had to do as much product placement for advertisers as humanly possible to make up for their losses. But it doesn't matter what the movie is, people don't care how blatant their product placement is.

Wait.
Actually, the whole movie is about Owen Wilson pooping his pants:

I'll PASS on HALL PASS HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Anyway... that's about it.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Hyundai: We Advertise Seizures

So there's a Hyundai commercial or two (or fifty, I don't really know/care) out that uses the popular "flash all-caps words on the screen one at a time in an obnoxious manner to get a point across" method of advertising.  I want to punch whoever is responsible for making this commercial right between the eyes.  Or maybe I should buy into this marketing technique of "extremely obnoxious" instead:




I mean, I can't even really think of anything that stands out about any Hyundai cars.  They try and make this advertisement saying that their cars aren't "boring" but they basically look exactly like Toyota and Honda cars.  I guess they're trying to follow suit with Toyota's "ugly kid" commercials by trying to make more commercials I hate.  Or maybe they really thought this method of advertising has never been done before and they were trying not to seem "boring" despite the fact that this has been done before (and has been annoying every time it has been done).

Every time I see the commercial it feels sort of like when you're in middle school and some kid in your class still barely knows how to read... but the teacher tells him to read out loud.  "And... then... the.... cat.... sat... on... his..." and in your head you're about four pages ahead and want to go across the room and start choking the kid.

Maybe their commercial is really a way of them saying "no one owns our cars, therefore they are not like every other car you see on the road."  That seems like the most realistic message.  Try and think of 5 people you know who own a Hyundai.  I can't think of one.  I mean, sure I'd drive a Hyundai if I was given one for free, but there's no way I'd ever spend money on one.


Also: Simpsons.
I'm sure at least someone out there will understand.