Wednesday, April 26, 2017

New Podcast - The Unrefined Jagoff

I know, I haven't posted anything new in over 3 years.

To be fair, I've barely written anything new in about 3 years.  I've been trying to start working on recording more, and more than zero times counts, but I haven't managed to make much new music or make any content to post to here.  At work, I've been listening to a lot of different podcasts to block out everyone's talking, so I figured that starting my own podcast would be a good way to get myself recording and writing things again.

Here's the beginning:
   Episode 1 is mostly an introduction to the podcast, some unfinished ideas, quotes from my dad, and ramblings/rants!

I bought a domain for the first time and everything!

Check it out and subscribe on iTunes -- Google Music -- Stitcher -- SoundCloud.

And follow Facebook -- Twitter -- Tumblr

I'm still kind of working on things, episode 1 is a little rough and short, but episode 2 is in the works!

Check it out, support, spread it to your friends!  Spread it to people who aren't your friends!  Spread it to someone, I dunno.

I haven't had as much free time to write lately, so most of these episodes are pieced together from ideas I have in the bathroom/while working/20 minutes before bed.... so I might only be averaging an episode a month or every few weeks unless someone gives me a ton of money to do this full time.  I'd like that, I'd much rather be doing this full time than wasting my degree for audio recording on the healthcare industry.  Please help me, I hate my life.

Anyway, that's it.  Listen to my podcast, throw money at me, tell your friends.

Sunday, February 9, 2014

I'll Just Pretend I Was On Hiatus For Something Important.

I guess at this point it's been over a year since I've posted a new blog. Last time it was six months, this time it's a year. My old posts were just so good that I had to give you a break. I got too many calls from the police asking me to stop being so funny, so I had to space my posts out like this. Something like that. I don't know.

Anyway, a lot has happened in the last year. I started working more, started some new bands/projects, got my pharmacy tech certification out of the way, got my lip smashed open with a golf ball, was engaged, got a new job, became single again, ran for state senate, found the ark of the covenant... wait... well... yeah, that sounds about right.

My biggest/stupidest hobby I've started in the last few months is sending people dumb pictures and videos of my added dialogue on advertisements.  This is how I keep myself entertained.  I'll just give some examples.
This is one of the first ones I did:

This one is probably pretty close to what she's really thinking:

A lot of them actually aren't dialogue, just the noises I imagine that they're making. I basically imagine things like this all day, which means I look insane at work all the time.

Like this guy, making his first awful album:

Or this kid, who probably killed his parents during this photoshoot:

Or this exclusive look at the new Kiss album:

Then there's just the stupid pictures of things I see in ads/stores:

Last year's Dog A Day calendar was fun too:

This one's unrelated, but also important:

So, I should add this to my resume and put it at the top of an online dating profile, right? This is a really good skill to have... isn't it?
Here's the rest of my best attributes:

1. I have all my own teeth, as well as the teeth of my enemies.
2. I have never stolen a dead body from the morgue.
...or at least gotten caught trying to.
3. I can lift a watermelon.
6. I can eat food without a bib sometimes.
3. My table manners are almost as good as a squirrel's.
0. I say excuse me when I'm alone in a room and fart or burp.
10. I can make lists.
Q. I used to receive CD's for beta versions of AOL that my computer was too old to run.
&!. Sometimes, I can eat a lot of food.
27. I have the internet.

That's a good list. Probably. I'll just sit here and wait to be attacked by women.







Well, I guess it might take a few minutes for people to read it.

I can't really think of anything else I needed to post for the time being, so I'll just leave you with this:

Wait... one more thing.

I have decided that Little Caesars needs to rename Crazy Bread to Dippy Dings. I've even made a commercial for them and everything!

Little Caesars, I will accept cash or checks.

Thursday, January 3, 2013

2013: I want to be a worse person

Holidays are over and I'm slightly less poor than I was the last time I posted (meaning I've been working a little finally). I had a pretty good Christmas, my Xbox Live Gold expired Christmas night as I went to play some new games/finally had time to play them. That was fine though, I don't have friends anyway. Except, I'm pretty sure they cut me off about a week short. I got to spend some time with my family while not getting out of my pajamas on Christmas, so that was good.

I started falling asleep before midnight on New Year's Eve because I'm old and worked all day, then woke up just in time for midnight and fell back asleep. Then I worked 9-5 New Year's Day.

My resolution this year was to lose my sense of humor and anger, so the rest of this blog will be about my taxes and a long explanation of how I organize my sock drawer.

Obviously I'm not serious, I can never stop being hilarious, but 2012 is over and I guess I haven't posted on here in about 6 months. I'm going to be writing 2012 on things for a while still probably, which reminds me that I probably have been for the past two days. It's still not as bad as the 5 years I wrote 2005 on things. It's still 2005, trust me.

To make up for the last 6 months, I'll share a bunch of things that probably would have made it into any posts had I actually written any.

If you bought your kids any of these, you're a bad parent:

Who dropped the ball when this got the green light for production?

Dora the Registered Sex Offender

WHAT IS SO FUNNY ABOUT THIS ROULETTE?? Oh, right. It's made in China.

I hope he's a proctologist.

I had to take a picture of the TV so fast that I couldn't get it any less blurry than this.



Dark Pump. Good name.


Tonight's episode of Night Gallery: The Man Who Turned to Cheese!

Oh, and I guess someone dropped a pair of pliers when they were making our driveway 30 something years ago.

In unrelated news, I released a Satan's Basement Christmas single and the new The Astronaut King album, Dictations from a Spectral Planet with awesome artwork by Mike Miller (The Baptism, MZRCDXVL) about a week before Christmas and no one really listened to or downloaded either. So go do that. I guess I at least released a decent amount of music in 2012 and recorded a lot, even if some of it still isn't out yet.

Anyway, that's it. My New Year's resolution is to be a worse person, so I'll try and post more of my usual blogs than I did last year.

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

I'm Gonna Be A Dead Rat Salesman

I recently graduated college, which means I'm probably going to have to resort to eating rats and pigeons off the streets soon. I'm still in the process of job hunting and about to move back in with my parents, so I've been having all sorts of fun for the last... 4 or 5 months while I was interning and losing all my money. Maybe I'll go to my fallback occupation of "selling dead rats on the street." My mom always told me I'd be good at it.

The people who took pictures for my graduation did an awful job. Most of them are extremely washed out looking, and most importantly one of them wasn't even a picture of me. They had some kid a row or two ahead of me instead, obviously I don't want to buy that one.

For my older sister's college graduation party, I noticed that it said "Lemson" instead of "Clemson" while we were still in the store. I didn't say anything until we got to the car and my dad noticed, but I told him "no, keep it, it's funny!" My sister didn't find it funny. In fact, she was mad at me for a long time about it. So when I graduated, she told my mom and brother to do this:

I mean, I thought it was funny though. I don't really get mad about cake, unless it's filled with poop or something.

For my birthday/graduation party, which I've always called a Birthuation party (at least since high school), I had the lady at the grocery store write "Happy Birthuation!" on the cake for me. I had to spell it out for her, but she added a plastic mortarboard and "happy birthday!" sign to opposite sides of the cake. I don't have pictures of that cake, or the old lady who did it, but she was pretty cool for doing that anyway.

I basically finished college in March, but my graduation wasn't until May. They didn't even hand out diplomas at my graduation, just the covers. What really gets me is they originally said we can't get our diplomas until July 11th, now they bumped it up to the 30th. Is it really that hard to print a sheet of paper? Also, for them to ship it, apparently it costs $7. After all the years of tuition, course fees, books, and the graduation fee they charged, couldn't they at least do THAT for free? Here's my message kids, don't go to college. Make a living as a gravy salesman.

Other than recording, interning, graduating, being jobless, and turning 23, there isn't really a lot of news from my life. I can, however, post a whole bunch of crap I have neglected to post on here in the past.

Like this truck my family passed on the way to Pittsburgh:

Sadly, it was nowhere near Fangboner Road in Ohio.

Meijer sells icy ice cream:

I stockpile troll skulls in Skyrim, because at first I thought it'd be funny to fill my shelves with them, but at this point I have way more than that. Lydia annoys the crap out of me when she shows up sitting in my room, so I figured every time I come in, I'll start putting troll skulls on her head. This is just the start:

In case you were wondering, yes, my TV is old and crappy.


One more thing: I started another blog for recording.

Tuesday, January 31, 2012

I Will Not Download Your Mix Tape.

I'll admit, I might not always be 100% logical with my thought process... sometimes it's closer to 99.99%. What I don't understand is how so many people in this world don't realize how stupid they sound every time they speak. Some people don't even have to speak to sound dumb, they just kind of exist as a being of supreme stupidity.

What has me on this rant is the fact that I'm finally into my last year of college and I finished a recording class with a kid who would constantly tell people at the end of class to "FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER, DOWNLOAD MY MIX TAPE." Here's what I don't understand, how would you go about downloading a mix tape? You can't download tape. If you're recording, mixing, mastering, and releasing your albums digitally, how would this make it a tape in any sense? That's the thing, it doesn't. Last day of class he offered a few of us a copy of his "mix tape" on CD. Instead of just saying no, because his music is horrible and I knew that he knew nothing about mixing music, I just made fun of him for calling a CD a tape. I must have said "YOU CAN'T DOWNLOAD TAPE" to him at least 20 times.

On top of it all, it's not exactly a "mix" either if it's supposed to be an album by a single artist. Show me a cassette or reel of tape with the same contents on it and maybe I'd let it slide, but the fact that people can call an album that isn't a mix or a tape kind of baffles me. Have people just forgotten what tape is? I mean it's not like studios don't use tape every single day, so why is it so hard to understand that if something is not on tape, it is not a tape?

On another note, I wish my college had a test within the application to major in audio that asks, "do you 'make beats?'" and answering "Yes" would make you ineligible to take any classes in the department. I swear, every single kid at my college thinks they're going to become the world's greatest rap or hip-hop super star because they know how to press the power button on their computer and can rhyme "money" with "money." If it's not the wanna-be rappers, it's the hipsters, and together they've made me lose all hope for the future of music. I could keep going, but instead I'd rather change subjects and end this post.

Cee Lo Green is Dr. WongBurger from Aqua Teen Hunger Force.

Thank you and goodnight.

Thursday, September 29, 2011

Extra Long Posts Make Up For An Extra Long Hiatus

I was sitting here wondering why there are Kidz Bop commercials on during Adult Swim at 2am, when I realized how long it's been since I've posted a new blog. I could come up with excuses for why I haven't posted anything in a while, or I could just write something funny. It's obviously much easier for me to go with making excuses, so that's what I think I'll do. I moved out of my "dorm-partment" on campus after the spring semester ended, lived at home for the summer and worked crap hours with crap paychecks, then moved back to the city (off campus) after my summer break ended.

What have I done lately? Well aside from spending a majority of my time on school, I've spent a lot of time watching cartoons and criticizing commercials. A couple weeks ago, I didn't leave my apartment for almost 5 days. I'd like to say it was all because I was sick, but quite honestly I kind of like seeing how long I can go without talking to anyone in person. These are the kinds of things I end up sending my friends:


There's this Chuck E Cheese commercial that I can't stand where this wienery little blond kid is trying to... rap... or something? I honestly don't know what the hell the kid is trying to do, and I can't really find it online so you'll have to trust me on how annoying and stupid it is. Basically what I've changed the commercial to every time it comes on is "I'M A LITTLE WIENER, COME ON, CELEBRATE! I STILL POOP MY PANTS, COME ON, CELEBRATE!" My version is better.

I think I've seen this commercial for iCarly Happy Meal toys 87 million times. This little girl have a face that looks like DERRRRRRRRR:

Also, that iCarly girl will some day turn 50 and I will still have no idea what her show is even supposed to be... besides stupid looking.

I'll give a quick recap of things that have happened since I last posted. Well... at least things I've taken pictures of on my phone.

In Baltimore, apparently it's always opposite day.

John Cena/Cross-eyed Shaved Gorilla Action Figure.

If the dog does anything in my room, I yell until he runs away. If he does it in anyone else's room, I take a picture and walk out of the room. If it isn't a pile of my clothes he's laying on, it's usually funny to me.

This guy drives a Toy Taco.

Pea in the poo.

My car doesn't think that headbutting babies while driving is right. Well maybe I don't think my car is right.

Alright there isn't much behind this one, she's just a really creepy looking retail "model." She's probably absorbing someone's soul through her mouth with that creepy smile.

I never knew that Roy Rogers was a Gay Ranchero, not to mention uncut!

I bet the photographer for this was arrested shortly after developing these pictures.

I still haven't figured this one out. Is this a dog tombstone?

If you've seen this movie before, I really don't have to explain how terrible it is. That's why my best friend and I watched it and laughed the entire time while my girlfriend slept through it.

This guy is enjoying his shower way too much.

I got the rhino truck when I moved, and it was glorious.

I don't think this car has enough bird poop on it.
Seriously though, it looked way worse in person.

I saw this on my way home from class one day. The word bubble was mostly what made me laugh.

Okay, so the Roosevelt red line stop is pretty awesome.

This is the best graffiti ever. Earlier today when I passed it, I noticed that it says "I EAT FOOD I EAT FOOD I EAT FOOD" on the other side of the pole. Someone out there has won whatever award I award graffiti artists for whatever I'm talking about.

I'll leave you with this.

Until next time, my loyal followers.
...if you exist.

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Finals? Homework? Projects? Omegle.

So, apparently finals week is now a drawn out two week process designed to make you rethink wanting a college degree. I wish my finals all involved getting out of bed at 2pm, eating pizza, and playing video games. Then I'd ace them all.

Anyway, I looked at my blog today and thought to myself "boy, I haven't updated my blog since February, surely my re--
okay I'm just avoiding doing any homework or studying. So I figured the best thing to do was to go on Omegle and have stupid conversations with stupid people about stupid things. Would you like to know how it went? You don't have a say in this. Your answer is yes. Keep reading.

You: mingus
Stranger: Male lookin for female to have fun wit ;)
You: oh
You: well look no further
Stranger: Finally I get one haha
You: no I just wanted to get your hopes up
You have disconnected.

This guy doesn't like Morfs.
You: herro
Stranger: hi
Stranger: m or f
You: both
You: I'm a morf
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

I'm really glad this person didn't bring up anything about Pokemon from the last 10 years, because this conversation wouldn't have been as long. I wonder if they checked the Pewter City Gym before they went on Omegle. I'm going to stop talking now:
Stranger: brock?
You: ASH?
Stranger: MISTY?
Stranger: NURSE JOY?
Stranger: bingo!
You: you're the best person I've talked to on here
You: because you talk pokemon
Stranger: haha why thank you!
Stranger: but im searching for brock, so i gotta go!
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

Apparently I'm a "wire do" for offering a young girl some pity corn.
Stranger: Hi 14 f Cali here
You: wanna watch some pity corn?
Stranger: ?? Wiredo
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

Here's an old one I never posted:
Stranger: wait are you one fo those internet "trogs" i've heard about
You: I'm more of an internet dog
You: I like to poop on the carpet
Stranger: i think you are a trog my nephew told me that people from the internet be idio ust for the sake of and that's called troging
You: my nephew told me about candy
You: I still have yet to have it
You: it sounds delicious
Stranger: see you're being a trog
You: you're being a trog
Stranger: ehy do people act like trogs
You: you know who's really a trog though?
Stranger: who?
You: that trog
Stranger: look the games i played in my 30's have nothing to do you troggin
You: Trog has everything to do with trogging
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

That's all for now, I'm gonna go back to stressing about finals and not doing any of my work.

Not a Thorofart.