Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Guest Week for Fkn Srs Cmx

At the end of finals I sat up until about 5 or 6am reading stupid internet comics when I had the idea to do guest comics for my friend Anthony's comic Fkn Srs Cmx just because I was bored. The first comic was posted on Monday and there will be one on Wednesday, and one on Friday.

Make sure to read through the rest of his comics, he started out a few months ago with an idea, and he's since been getting better and better as time goes on. So just check out his site and see where he takes it from here, and check out my guest comics this week. Anthony has always supported my music and all the other crap I make, so why not support him and check out his comics and music?

Anyway, aside from drawing crude renderings of someone else's comics, I just finished my first semester in the city. I mean, technically it was my fifth semester total, but my first semester that wasn't at a community college. I basically got burnt out last week by trying to write 4 final papers and an extra credit assignment in one week, totaling 25 pages in utter bullshit.

For my Russian and Soviet history class, I couldn't remember my original topic, so I wrote about Tetris. I got in front of the class for our presentations and said "I couldn't remember what my original topic was, so instead I wrote about the first thing I think of when I think of Russia. Tetris." and my teacher said something along the lines of "really? Tetris is the first thing you think of?" So I went on to ramble about Tetris, then I read this line from my paper "Maybe Tetris signified the true essence of Russian culture, their strategic puzzling warfare, the struggle through years (or levels) of hardship, and the idea that you can only stack so much on top before the bottom gives way." and my class started clapping. I only went when I did to keep myself from laughing the entire class... because I wrote a final paper about Tetris.

My other papers were basically either me repeating the first sentence of my paper for 5-10 pages, most of which was all essential the same paper for different classes. The Monday of finals week I stayed up until 9:30 in the morning writing a paper and got about an hour of sleep. I woke up and took one of my finals, went back to my apartment and of course ate another entire box of wild rice like I did for midterms, then went back to my next class. I'm thinking of making that a tradition, eating an entire box of wild rice during the Monday of finals and midterms. Why? I've never took the time to think about why I do most things I do in life.

The rest of finals week was like anyone else's, I got a total of about 4 hours of sleep over the course of 4 days, then woke up at like 3 in the afternoon the next day once they were over. Now I'm home and have nothing better to do but sit around in my robe and write stupid blogs that no one will ever read.

Friday, December 4, 2009

Brinks should have changed their name to Brilliant

I'm sure someone has covered this before, but I love the Brinks (apparently now known as Broadview I guess) home security commercials. They haven't changed at all over the years. Here's how it works:
1. Guy breaks window/smashes down front door.
2. Alarm goes off.
3. Guy runs away without stealing a single thing.

I mean seriously though, who does that? That's about as menacing as a kid accidentally breaking your window with a baseball. "Honey, the neighbor kids broke a window playing baseball again! Get to the panic room!" is a safe assumption for how anyone this happens to will react.

There's this new commercial they have where this guy leaves the woman's house from a party or something, then comes back to her door about 5 seconds later. He just like breaks a window or something (regardless of how many times I've seen it I can't remember for sure) and runs away.

You know, it's always a great idea to try breaking right back into a person's house right after you've left AND they've learned your name. Couldn't he have just like, hidden in the linen closet, popped out in the middle of the night to scare her, then run home giggling? In fact, that's a much better idea! Next time I go to a girl's place, I'll hide in her linen closet! Thank you Broadview/Brinks security, you've given me yet another great idea.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

I should probably stay off Omegle for a while

For those of you who have never heard of Omegle.com, it's a site where you're connected to a random stranger online and they ask "ASL" and you say "male" and they disconnect. However, on very rare occasions there are some people that aren't on there for cyber sex.

I've wasted the last week on there being a troll and talking to a couple people who actually were just on there to talk (which was shocking). I had some pretty interesting conversations I saved, and I thought to myself... why not post them on here? Most of my readers already know I'm not normal. I have to warn you first though, don't go to any of the links if you've never heard of them or are easily disgusted. Also, most of the people type badly, swear, and use racial slurs for no reason, because... well... they're on the internet.

So here they are:

This first one was with my best friend...or so I told them.

Connecting to server...
You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
You: boobs
Stranger: What is this? I dont even
You: best friend!
You: you're my friend
You: let's be best friends
You: good friend!
Stranger: Okay!
Stranger: Names Adam Gallant
Stranger: im a gay person
You: sweet
Stranger: who r u?
You: I'm Rick Sprinter
You: I'm a geologist
Stranger: I feast on 10 gallons of sugar daily
Stranger: I weigh 20 stone
You: sugar is a natural oil of arabia
Stranger: Indeed
Stranger: Your a smart man Rick
You: yeah I've been told that
You: by the queen of france
Stranger: I see
Stranger: Do you ejoy reaidn books naked?
Stranger: reading*
You: is there any other way?
Stranger: Exactly my point
Stranger: Would you go on a grand adventure to save your daughter after she'd been captured by demons?
You: I thought I gave my daughter to the demons
Stranger: Well then.
Stranger: whats your stance on YouthInAsia?
You: I say use grenades and nuclear legs
Stranger: Good, good
Stranger: What about this website? www.wowomg.com
You: it's the wowingest omgest site since jewgle
Stranger: Indeed
Stranger: I must go now
Stranger: Goodbye Rick
You: goodbye friend
Stranger: Pass that site on to your friends, theyll be shocked
You: Okay!
Stranger: Goodbye
You: Goodbye dear friend.


This next guy didn't like me singing to him...

Connecting to server...
You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: Ho
You: my girl wants to party all the time
You: party all the time
You: party all the tiiiiime
Stranger: Fuck u for putting that in my head
Your conversational partner has disconnected.


Okay so I might have lied a little to this guy.

You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: i am a boy 15 denmark and really horny! u?
You: I'm black man from kenya
You: our computers are made of wood
Your conversational partner has disconnected.


This one is my favorite. I think at this point I was starting to run out of things to say to these people, so I just started saying whatever I could type in capital letters.

You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: hi im female
Stranger: horny
You: cool
You: I'm a man
Stranger: Mmmmmmmmm
You: and I'm freezing to death
Stranger: i'll warm ya up
Stranger: i'll rip d mickey off ya
You: I dunno what that means
You: but if it means gay sex
You: I'm not interested
You: or very interested
Stranger: im a girl?
Stranger: are u a girl to?
Stranger: i want man
You: no I have a penis
You: touch it
Stranger: a big 1?
You: TOUCH IT
You: OH YEAH
Stranger: i will
You: YEAH BUT YOUR MOUTH ON IT
Stranger: wanna c my pic?
You: no
You: I'm imagining you as Hitler with tits
You: OH YEAH
Stranger: Mmmmmmmmmm
Stranger: at least hiltler
Stranger: he was a gas man give him his jews
Stranger: are u a durty jew
You: NO
You: I AM EVA BRAWN
Stranger: good
Stranger: ur a niggawr
Stranger: dats wat u are
You: YOU ARE A MAN
You: THIS IS THE INTERNET
You: GIRLS CAN'T WORK COMPUTERS
Stranger: heres my pic
Stranger: to prove
Stranger: http://lovebryan.com/friends/mikebelleme/data/upimages/dirty_on_chair.jpg
You: yeah, um, I'm not stupid
You: I live on the internet
You: now let's get back to hitler sex
Stranger: ya little queer
You: HITLER
You: SEX
You: YOU DUMB WHORE
Stranger: go fuk urself
You: I ALREADY AM
Stranger: ive a bigger dick then u
Stranger: ya wankk
You: LIES
Stranger: ur sister is a lie
You: actually she's a girl
You have disconnected.


Lastly, there was this guy, who spread the word of my awesomeness apparently. He gave me some good advice about orange juice.

You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: german girl?
You: No, I do have a mustache though
Stranger: you from iceland?
You: I'm from America
Stranger: oh
Stranger: mustached women are so hot
Stranger: the hairier the better
You: Yeah
You: I'm the best kind of woman
You: with a big penis
Stranger: such a cool trap
You: Yeah, I'm the best.
You: I bought apple juice
Stranger: why not orange?
You: that too
Stranger: and blueberry
Stranger: ?
You: I might mix them both with milk and drink them in the street
Stranger: ok, just remember
Stranger: orange and driving dont mix
You: Oh I know, I'm a train conductor for the new york times
Stranger: you sir
Stranger: are
Stranger: awesome
Stranger: ima go spread your awesomness to all
You: Thanks, make sure to let the old people know too.
Stranger: will do
Your conversational partner has disconnected.


Okay, well that's it. I should probably stop going to that site before it makes me go any more insane than I already am.

Friday, November 20, 2009

OH MY GOD THAT'S SO IRONIC WHAT WITH ALL THE IRONY AND ALL.

I've come to hate the word "ironic" for many reasons.
The two biggest reasons being:
1. People over use it.
2. People apparently don't know how to use it in a sentence correctly.

Some people seem to think that irony is really just a synonym for coincidence. These people should buy a dictionary. Some people's use of the word completely baffles me though. It's like, I can't figure out what the hell they're trying to say, because what they said contains absolutely zero irony. So then I have to think for a while to figure out what word they actually meant to say.

It's not just stupid people, web comics, and stupid people on the internet either. I've had teachers and professors that don't seem to get it either. Surprisingly, my teacher from Russia can use it correctly. She says some really confusing things, but I've heard her use the word "ironic" correctly a few times. Then I've had English professors who don't. I just don't understand why it's so hard to use the word correctly. If I could, I'd ban it from use, just because I'm so sick of hearing it.

If you don't know what I'm talking about, there's a good chance this is you:

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Guess I can't help being part caveman.

When I wake up and I'm overly exhausted, I usually can't grasp simple concepts. I do most of my best work tired before falling asleep... but when I first wake up, nothing makes sense and I have zero depth perception. For example, this morning I ran my mug into the microwave's revolving tray about 3 times before I got it actually onto it this morning. I basically spilled water all over the place and angrily grunted.

Last week coming out of my building, I tried walking into the revolving door while someone else already was.... I got stuck halfway in. I had to back up, wait for that kid to go through again, and then finally made it outside. Today I almost walked in as this girl was walking through, then thought to myself "you're not fooling me this time, door!" Come to think of it maybe I should have tried going. Anyway, what I'm getting at is that I should avoid anything that revolves while I'm tired.

I've learned a lot in the short time I've been living in the city, and remembered how much I hate heavily populated areas. Basically what my cooking comes down to most days is throwing whatever kind of meat and vegetables I have left in a pan with olive oil and spices. Or spaghetti. Depends on how much food I have left. Halloween night I didn't feel like going out, so I ate candy all day and watched old horror movies. What I ended up doing for dinner was throwing the frozen chicken I had left, a tomato I cut the mold off of, some carrots, garlic, some spices, and half a package of bacon in a pan. I ate about 3/4 of a package of bacon that day, I'm surprised I didn't die. But anyway, I'm not going to turn this into a recipe column.

I spend a lot of time in my room freezing to death, because our thermostat is locked. What sucks about Chicago's Loop is that nothing is open late. I went out at a little before 11pm the other night in search of any place that sells burgers that was open. After a while of walking in the pouring rain I started to get desperate for anything that was open that sold edible things. On my way there was someone laying in the middle of the street, like they got hit by a car or something. I was hungry and saw enough people huddled around blocking traffic, so I kept walking. I eventually saw a pizza by the slice place with the door open, ordered way more pizza than I actually wanted, and headed home to sit in front of my computer some more.

I think I answer anyone who comes up to me on the street with "I don't have any money." One homeless guy asked me for what I think was fourty (I spell fourty wrong on purpose, and you should too) cents. I couldn't really understand what the hell he was saying, I said "I don't have any money... wait what?.....no I don't have any money" then kept walking. One guy asked me for two dollars, which was more than I had in my wallet at the time. The only difference between an art school student and a homeless person is a few years, so I don't see why anyone is asking me for money. Hell, half the time I look homeless on my way to class, so maybe I should carry an empty cup with me to collect some money on the way.

That's most of everything that's on my mind, but I have one more thing to end with. Last week after one of my midterms, I had an hour to kill, so I went back to my apartment to eat something real quick. I didn't really have much that wouldn't take me forever to cook, so I ate an entire box of wild rice so I wouldn't be hungry before my next class. Then I sort of felt like exploding. Then I figured I should draw this comic of what I kept imagining happening.

Sunday, October 25, 2009

I'm not very good at studying.

Some of my midterms are this week, so I've basically spent the weekend sitting here watching TV and trying to study. Needless to say, I've been doing more of the watching TV, and haven't gotten much of the studying done.

So earlier tonight I made dinner, The Shining came on, and I got distracted again. I've always liked The Shining, even though it scared me when I was little. Now most of the parts that scared me are either just creepy or make me laugh really hard.

I was watching this movie earlier this year with one of my friends when I kept wondering out loud "who does that kid remind me of?" Then I realized that I thought the kid looks like a young Charles Manson. At the time I didn't have a camera, or a phone with a camera, and I've been too lazy to take a screenshot online... so... I just took a picture of my TV now to prove my point.


I mean if you think about it, they're not much different. Rearrange the letters in Helter Skelter and you get Redrum. Don't try spelling it out, just trust me on this. That's about as far as I've went into this. So...

Charles

Manson.

Trust me on this.

EDIT: For the record, this was the part that used to scare me:

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Sometimes I think I should sell my TV.

Everyone has always told me how much funnier the British version of The Office is so much funnier than the American because it came first. Now, no matter how many episodes I watch, it hasn't become any funnier for me. I came to this conclusion pretty fast:


I didn't say all British comedies, but watching British The Office makes my face do this thing where I can't laugh or crack a smile for a whole 30 minutes. The worst thing is now that it's on Adult Swim (you know, since it's not a cartoon, it belongs on Cartoon Network) they always show the ugly face of Ricky Gervais. If he has so much money, can he get his teeth--nevermind, I say he should just put a paper bag over his face. If you haven't figured out yet, I don't proofread most of my blogs until after I post them, and type it all out as I'm thinking it. Anyway Ricky Gervais bothers me.

If I wanted a lot of awkward silences, I'd leave my room more often and actually talk to people. At least with those awkward silences I can have awkward laughter to make it stop, when it's on TV I just grab for the remote. Yes, all British humor is very high brow. When I think high brow, I think... man in a dress.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Snuggie has gone too far

I honestly don't understand how there has been a market for Snuggies in the first place. Way to go everyone, you've invented the backwards robe! Here's an excellent idea if you want to be the douchebag messiah, wear a Snuggie and Crocs.

The point is, their newest commercial is what has my eyes and mind vomiting. First of all, the lame "dad round house dance" thing confuses and infuriates me. Add in a Snuggie and I have a heart attack trying to figure out what the hell is going on and why no one is dying. Here's lame white dad raising the roof:


What in God's name is wrong with these people? I mean, there's this:


This douchebag contest:


I hope these people burn to death on their camping trip:

If Smokey the Bear owed me a favor, that's where I'd cash it in.

Seriously though, dog Snuggie? What the hell is wrong with you people? This is possibly the worst form of animal cruelty ever invented. If you've ever wondered what an ugly dog looks like when they're contemplating suicide, this is it:

So not only was it forced into a Snuggie, but they threw some glasses on it, shoved it into a crevice of the couch, and stacked a book on top of it. Clearly these are heartless people we're dealing with here. If I were this dog, a shoe in this house would never go poopless again.

Monday, October 12, 2009

Another Fun Filled Monday

This week was off to an interesting start this morning on the way to class. Everything started off more or less normal when I got up. Woke up and rolled back in forth for about half an hour to avoid getting out of bed, ate breakfast, took a shower, and got dressed. On my way out I went downstairs to the mail room to open the mailbox for my roommate, because I think during move-in they gave all of us keys to the mailbox that don't work. I couldn't get the damn thing open almost a month ago and asked for a new key from one of the maintenance guys, so that's the only reason I can actually get in. Our mailbox is full of mail to people we don't even know and advertisements. I guess it really wouldn't matter if we couldn't get into it now that I think about it.

Anyway, on my way to class I usually don't pay attention to what's going on around me. I just start walking and try not to run out in traffic. Usually. Some days I like to mix it up. But today I walked past some areas that they've been doing construction on and walked by what might be an awning or just scaffolding. I heard this "SCREEEEE" noise right by my ear, and I thought it was just a rope falling down or something. I kept walking a second, turned around and there was a dead bat laying on the ground. A bat almost landed on my head. Now, I was expecting to eventually get hit in the back of the head with a bat, but a baseball bat seemed more likely than the animal. Out of all the animals in the city (rats, pigeons, homeless people...) I wasn't really expecting a bat. They usually just get stuck in the garage and the grill of my dad's car on Halloween back home in the middle of nowhere.

So that's pretty much all that happened today. I just went to class for 6 straight hours in the same room, took a quiz, listened to recordings from the 1890's/1900's, came home and wrote this. I lead a very exciting life.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

I am extremely mature.

You should all know how intelligent and mature my sense of humor is by now, so for your entertainment I have more drawings. Boredom during class is one thing, boredom on the internet is quite different. Granted, the results usually end up with me drawing several dinosaurs, a penis joke, and maybe some zombies, it's all basically the same. So I guess what I'm trying to say is, I'm gonna contradict myself a lot. It's what I do.

I honestly forget half of what my point was, but the original point of this post is to show stupid drawings I've posted to other people's facebook profiles via that Graffiti application. Honestly that's one of the only ones I like because I can send tons of pictures of poop to my friends without having to draw the picture and upload it to facebook! Oh man how convenient!!! Of course, everything I've ever drawn with it has been either a masterpiece or just plain brilliant. Usually both actually.

To prove this obvious point, here's the first drawing I made with it:


My hand is not steady at all when it comes to drawing, so I mostly draw crooked stick figures, crooked dinosaurs, crooked cops...
Anyway the second thing I ever drew with it demonstrates one of the many problems I have with my vision:

I'm pretty sure I meant "(seriously)" though.

Some of them actually had stories behind them surprisingly. Like this one:

There was this guy trying to convert me to his religion because I was too stupid to realize "NO!" is the correct answer to the question "can I sit here?" I couldn't understand anything he said. Yeah, the rest of these don't have stories behind them.

Of course, poop and fart jokes are all the highest form of comedy.




Also, I like making drawings of things about to get hit by other things or exploding.



Sometimes I'd just draw a stick figure, give up, then send it. Like these guys:





This is how I wish people a Merry Christmas:


Here's how I tell a brilliant joke:


I should have gone into paleontology or something, because look how many detailed amazing drawings of dinosaurs I've done:








I don't know what the hell these were supposed to be, but I'll leave off on these:

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

"Fun" in College 101 pt.3

As you all know by now, I'm an amazing artist. When it comes to drawing, my art has been pretty consistent since about the third grade. Back in grade school I used to want to be a comic book artist. When I look back at the comic books I made then, I remember why I gave up on that dream. Ever since then, pretty much everything I've drawn has been to avoid doing any real work or falling asleep. There are quite a few factors that keep me from really trying with graphic art. Colorblindness, zero attention span, laziness... laziness is really the biggest one.

All that being said, nothing usually stops me from making pointless crap in the middle of a boring class. While most of my comics end up being stick figures like this:


I occasionally would draw things a bit more like this:

I think we were talking about homeless people and zombies, if that helps.

I do have sort of a problem though. A large percent of notes I've ever taken have drawings of dinosaurs on them. About half of them probably look exactly the same. Then there's this guy:


This one here is just a masterpiece and deserves to be framed and sold for billions of dollars:


Going back to the topic of homeless people:


I dunno what the hell this was supposed to be:


But hey, it's everyone's favorite lawyer!

I'd trust him with any case!

This concludes "'Fun' in College 101" because I figured I wouldn't have much left over for a fourth part, so I pretty much crammed everything into this last part. If you enjoyed this though, keep checking here every once in a while. And by once in a while, I mean stay on here and refresh the page every 5 seconds for the rest of your life. I have tons of drawings I've never done anything with that I've been thinking about posting and explaining the stories behind. So I'll get around to that. Eventually.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

"Fun" in College 101 pt.2

So last time I think I covered the fact that College 101 was the most pointless class I've ever taken (but don't really care because I got an A). I wasn't a complete slacker in the class from the start though. The first day of class I sat up front and tried to pay attention like the class was actually worth something. Soon after I realized my friend Mike was in the class and we started to sit in the back and make fun of everyone else in class. Not to their faces though, that would require me to actually be social!

Boredom started to set in pretty quickly, which means any notes I took quickly transformed into comics. I do have these two pages that seem to have some notes encrypted into them.
This one was clearly about the requirements to receive a C in the class:

And this one was clearly about careers and apparently we had to meet in the Career Center on October fourth. Also car ears are ears on a car.


For the most part, the rest of the notes that I haven't posted yet have nothing to do with the class. Well, except this picture I drew of a kid that really creeped me out in class:


But for the most part, everything I made in that class was sort of like this:

None of them really were supposed to make sense, I was just bored and needed to occupy myself in a non-violent way. Trust me, that was difficult.

For the most part, they were all just characters I made up or doodles. Did you sit through Peter Jackson's King Kong and wonder how you didn't kill yourself? I think I was trying to explain it to Mike when I figured I'd just make an abridged version of it. This version is way better because it doesn't make you wait over an hour just to see King Kong:

Plus I mean look at how realistic everything is, unlike the CGI that riddled the Peter Jackson version. I'll stick to the hilarious black and white film that doesn't bore me to death.

Anyway, I'm saving the rest of these for part 3. Stay turned for more comics and stupid characters I made out of extreme boredom!

Thursday, August 20, 2009

"Fun" in College 101 pt.1

College 101 was a 50 minute time waster class to try and prepare you for college while only giving you one credit that doesn't transfer anywhere. Of course it counted toward getting my associates degree, the only other thing it was good for was drawing stupid comics. My teacher had a thick accent, he was Puerto Rican if I remember correctly (even if he wasn't, I don't really care that much). He was usually hilarious, but I think partially because I could never understand anything he said. My friend Mike and I would sit in the back of the class and make fun of anything we could to keep ourselves entertained. Eventually I started to draw comics, leaving my notebook full of comics and.... not really any notes at all.

Another thing I used to do in class was I would sign in my name in one color pen, then write "Stinky Rodriguez" on a random line on the sign in sheet in another color. I did this for weeks, then noticed someone had beaten me to it! I was pissed, so I figured I had to make up a new fake name to put on the list. That's when I made up "Chineguez Juarez" and would forget how I spelled it most days so it changed pretty often. One day we were somewhere else on campus and I handed him back the sign in sheet and he started laughing and pointed out that someone has been signing his name in and all these fake names. I didn't know who was signing the teacher's name, but I just kind of tried not to make it too obvious I was "Stinky Rodriguez" and "Chineguez Juarez" even though I was about to die laughing.

I used to draw my teacher all the time when I was bored. Here was my first interpretation of him:

He used to pronounce youtube as "YOO-TOO" and I say this in all caps because he was loud. I don't remember why I drew him with a gun. Probably because he needs one. To shoot things with. Anyway here's the second drawing I made of him, also showing the fact that he would pronounce the word successful as "suhsessful."

He gave me an A though, so I think he's awesome.

I made drawings of just about anything stupid I could think of, some of them I can't find though. I do have drawings of Stinky Rodriguez and Chineguez Juarez. Before you call me racist or anything for these drawings... you have to realize how boring a class like College 101 really is.



So basically I received one credit on my transcript to sit in the back of the class, draw confusing comics, and make fun of basically anything within range of my vision. Looking back it wasn't really that bad because well... I got to make fun of things.

This is only the beginning though, wait until part 2 for the good stuff.