Sunday, February 9, 2014

I'll Just Pretend I Was On Hiatus For Something Important.

I guess at this point it's been over a year since I've posted a new blog. Last time it was six months, this time it's a year. My old posts were just so good that I had to give you a break. I got too many calls from the police asking me to stop being so funny, so I had to space my posts out like this. Something like that. I don't know.

Anyway, a lot has happened in the last year. I started working more, started some new bands/projects, got my pharmacy tech certification out of the way, got my lip smashed open with a golf ball, was engaged, got a new job, became single again, ran for state senate, found the ark of the covenant... wait... well... yeah, that sounds about right.

My biggest/stupidest hobby I've started in the last few months is sending people dumb pictures and videos of my added dialogue on advertisements.  This is how I keep myself entertained.  I'll just give some examples.
This is one of the first ones I did:

This one is probably pretty close to what she's really thinking:

A lot of them actually aren't dialogue, just the noises I imagine that they're making. I basically imagine things like this all day, which means I look insane at work all the time.

Like this guy, making his first awful album:

Or this kid, who probably killed his parents during this photoshoot:

Or this exclusive look at the new Kiss album:

Then there's just the stupid pictures of things I see in ads/stores:

Last year's Dog A Day calendar was fun too:

This one's unrelated, but also important:

So, I should add this to my resume and put it at the top of an online dating profile, right? This is a really good skill to have... isn't it?
Here's the rest of my best attributes:

1. I have all my own teeth, as well as the teeth of my enemies.
2. I have never stolen a dead body from the morgue.
...or at least gotten caught trying to.
3. I can lift a watermelon.
6. I can eat food without a bib sometimes.
3. My table manners are almost as good as a squirrel's.
0. I say excuse me when I'm alone in a room and fart or burp.
10. I can make lists.
Q. I used to receive CD's for beta versions of AOL that my computer was too old to run.
&!. Sometimes, I can eat a lot of food.
27. I have the internet.

That's a good list. Probably. I'll just sit here and wait to be attacked by women.







Well, I guess it might take a few minutes for people to read it.

I can't really think of anything else I needed to post for the time being, so I'll just leave you with this:

Wait... one more thing.

I have decided that Little Caesars needs to rename Crazy Bread to Dippy Dings. I've even made a commercial for them and everything!

Little Caesars, I will accept cash or checks.